tea party jesus

Tea Party Jesus’ “Sermon on the Mall”

Text: Since some members of the Tea Party say that their movement is rooted in Christian doctrine, imagine if Jesus had chosen today in America to proclaim the Good News. And, instead of drawing from the Hebrew prophets for inspiration, our Savior had based his ministry on the teachings of the Tea Party.

Narrator: Let those with ears to hear, listen to Jesus’ “Sermon on the Mall”:

Narrator: When Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on the Hill and his disciples gathered around him.

And after he had cast out the apostates, he quieted the crowds. Then he began to speak, and taught them, saying…

Jesus: Blessed are the mean in spirit, for theirs in the kingdom of heaven.

[“The Zoo has African lions and the White House has lyin’ Africans“]

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for lower taxes, for their own pockets shall be filled.

Blessed are those who follow my prophet Ayn Rand and disparage the merciful [time stamp 6:38], for they shall never have to show mercy.

Blessed are the pure in ideology, for they can demonize any who disagree.

[Sign: Bury Obamacare with Kennedy“]
[Sign: Obama as Joker“]
[Obama as Hitler]
[Sign: Barack Obama Is a Muslim“]
[Sign: Obama Lies“]
[Sign: Robbin’ Hood“]
[Sign: How Will I Pay For This?“]
[Sign: Geld Obama sign“]

Blessed are those who refuse to compromise, for their obstinacy will obstruct progress

Blessed are those who are persecuted for the Right’s sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

[Sign:  The Democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not”]
[Sign:  No New Taxes Spending Bailouts”]

Blessed are you when you revile and persecute and utter all kinds of evil falsely. Rejoice and be glad. Great is your reward, for in the same way the prophets Beck and Limbaugh have persecuted others before you.

You have heard it said, [Matthew 5:38-39] “Turn the other cheek, and love your neighbor as yourself,” but I say to you, demonize your enemies and never forget their slights against you.

You have heard it said to leaders in ancient times, [Isaiah 58:9-10] “If you do away with malicious talk and spend yourselves on behalf of the hungry and oppressed, then your light shall rise in the darkness, and your night shall become like the noonday.” But I say, malicious talk is what generates ratings, and the only thing that shall rise from governments caring for the hungry and oppressed are more parasites to feed.

You have heard that it was said to government leaders [Isaiah 1:17], “Seek justice, rescue the oppressed, plead for the widow, defend the cause of the poor and needy,” but I say run as fast as you can from churches preaching social justice, and seek only your individual interests.

For any who believe our governments should help the poor show contempt for their Maker and whoever ignores the needy honors God.

You have heard it said [Matthew 5:33], “Don’t swear falsely,” but I say to you, if uttering falsehoods furthers our cause, it is righteous.

Therefore, if your eye causes you to sympathize with parents who have lost their jobs, tear it out and throw it away; it is better for you to lose one of your eyes than for your whole body to go into socialist hell. If you are tempted to extend your right hand to help a neighbor in need, cut it off and throw it away; it’s better to lose one hand than to help someone who clearly doesn’t want to work. [cut to Ayn Rand holding sign with “Altruism is Evil”(time stamp 5:20)]

Beware of the Old Testament prophets who came in sheep’s clothing but inwardly were socialist wolves. You shall know them by their fruits [Matthew 7:16], for in the name of God they commanded government leaders to [Nehemiah 5:6-7] defend the cause of the poor and needy. But we all know such things are un-American and threaten our economic freedom.

[Sign:  Your “Fair Share” Is Not In My Wallet]

All then who hear these words of mine and act on them shall be like the wise people who built their nation on individual interest. Threats came from poor children wanting better schools, from billionaires saying they shouldn’t pay lower taxes than their maids, from regulators wanting to keep Wall St. and oil companies in check. But the nation rejected all of these and did not fall, because it was built on self-interest.

But all who hear these words of mine and do not act on them shall be like a foolish people who built their nation on a belief that our neighbor makes us stronger. They wasted their money on Social Security and Medicare for the elderly, on government jobs for teachers and cops, and on repairing crumbling bridges and roads. And so that nation fell—and great was its fall!

[Text disclaimer] The preceding is a fictional account. Although all Tea Party signs and slogans are direct quotes, and the teachings of the “Tea Party Jesus” reflect actual statements of Tea Party leaders, thankfully any similarities between this Jesus and God’s Son are purely coincidental. Jesus Christ sounded quite different . . .

Jesus: Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the kingdom of God.
Blessed are the hungry, they will be filled.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy.

Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord’ and do not do what I tell you? This is what I require: Do not return evil for evil. Love your enemies. Bless those who curse you. Give to everyone who begs from you, and do not refuse anyone who wants to borrow from you.

Do not store up treasures in earthly places, where moth and rust consume and where thieves break in and steal; but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven . . . For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

And be merciful, just as your Heavenly Father is merciful.

Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything that I have commanded you. And remember, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.